You don't have asthma, your pregnant
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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