What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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