he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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