Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
