I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
