i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
