so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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