and i looked up. we had an audience...
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
