hell yes lets make some ravioli
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
You are the jesus of drinking
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
