the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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