Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I did not marry a roomba.
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