I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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