You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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