Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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