Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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