Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
