I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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