bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
my shit smells like andre
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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