dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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