I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
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