I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
