I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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