he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize