we're chasing vodka with high fives
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
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