I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
