YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
