Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize