i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
