I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
