I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize