You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
My Sexting was not on an AP level
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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