Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
