This is not my ceiling
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
