Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
