Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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