you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
