Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
