NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Sober January is a disaster.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Randomize
