What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
