these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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