We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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