he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
