on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
