Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
please come you make the beer taste better
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
