How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
