Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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