I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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