Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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