we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Randomize
