you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
