yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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