I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
