i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
