I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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