dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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