Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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