I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Randomize
