Jerry, you need to find god
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
